Are you one of the millions of women – or men -  who has asked yourself this question?

The sounds of silence

While the creator of this website, Audrey
Melnik, has only taken it from the stranded gals point of view,  I applaud this attempt to encourage feedback  from the guys concerned… especially as all too often we women can imagine all  sorts of explanations that preoccupy our minds day and night-  and which may have nothing to do with the  reality.  To know why he did not choose  to contact us again when we thought that the date had been mutually enjoyable –  or our relationship held real promise – can be very helpful as well as reducing  the chatter of our minds and our loss of shut eye.

Since 1976 when I first opened the doors of my  consultancy for discerning men and women seeking partners, feedback after an  initial date has been invaluable in assisting us to help our clients of both  sexes to achieve their relationship goals.
Often we are unaware of how we are perceived by others, of our behaviour
or mannerisms that may not be attractive especially on a first date which can
be stressful…especially if we would really like to impress!  Constructive feedback can help us to turn our next promising date into something more!

To hear some tips from me about understanding  differences between men and women, especially when it comes to a first date and a potential relationships, listen to my audio ‘Winning with the opposite sex’.

Community-focused living is an answer!

Friendship and support

In an earlier item Live alone and feel isolated? .I referred to an initiative in Denmark  that is very positive approach to helping to prevent problems associated with loneliness and social isolation that are so prevalent today.

For years the Danes have had community housing that is purposefully designed in which singles, couples and families have their own private dwelling but also have a large kitchen and dining complex in which they  can connect and share meals seemed a very positive initiative to me. 

In such a community older people can take care of the young, children can play together, those living singly need not be alone, neighbours know each other rather than being isolated.

Yesterday by chance on a tram stop I met a journalist from Denmark resident in Australia but about to return to Copenhagen for some months.  When I raised this community concept during our conversation she told me that in fact she resided by choice in such a complex whenever there – and that several of her friends and family lived in similar communities and thrived on the opportunities for friendship and support such housing offers.

A community of this nature need not be purpose built. It can be an almost organic initiative of neighbours, families and friends who want to be there for each other.  Others are commercially designed and purpose built for occupants who are unlikely to have known each other  beforehand.  Either way they would seem to be a major step to counter the fragmentation into ‘atomic’ households currently occurring in much of the western world.

The prediction that over 30% of Australians will be living in households  on their own has serious implications for the wellbeing of our society. If you are living alone and feel isolated, why not take steps to change this.  Last weekend’s paper had an article about a single woman who was unsure whether apartment living would work for her but was delighted to find that she meet other women residents who were also living on their own.  They enjoy sharing good times with each other and providing friendship and support.

Get to know your neighbours – it could be a start to the creation of a community where no-one need ever feel alone.

‘Jane’, a client I personally mentor, shares her  ‘peacock’ experience….

  You’re a lovely bird!

Last week I was somewhat put out while chatting on my second meeting with ‘John’ whom I’d initially met through a friend.  Our mutual friend had told me that John was really very interested in me…which both surprised and pleased me…but this was not apparent to me when we then met for a drink at the pub.

Given I knew that John had expressed interest, l was intrigued to know what he’d remembered  of ME from our first meeting.  I informed him proudly that I could recall many things he had shared on that occasion about himself and his life, citing several examples  such as challenges he had experienced in his career, his adult children, countries he’d visited, his concern for his father in aged care, the football team he followed and his interest in theatre and jazz..

Smugly, I then asked John what he remembered about ME …. and was rather taken aback when he just looked blank!  As I  probed further, he seemed confused and eventually gave me a lame line that he was so caught up in my looks that he couldn’t remember one thing!

My initial reaction  to John was one of irritation as l felt he must have been totally
disinterested in me not to have heard a thing l had said – how rude!   However,
fortunately I then recalled you telling me during my coaching session that men  at the early stages of potential blossoming of relationships. often ‘present’ as peacocks do – and that this may in fact mean that a man IS actually interested in ME.   I also now appreciate that it is not necessarily a negative if a guy doesn’t initially ask about ME!

You have helped me see that men are not necessarily boring sods interested only in
their own voice…but rather when they talk at length about themselves they actually
may be interested in the woman who is listening!

Thank you,

Jane

If you’re seeking a partner, don’t jump to conclusions based on a first date…meeting again offers the opportunity to practice dating skills that could lead to friendship - if not a great romance!

IT IS MORE THAN A MATTER OF STATS!… when it comes to meeting a potential partner these days - as my recent letter to the editor of The Australian explains…

‘Dear Editor,

Where is he?

Difficulties women of today face when seeking a mate – be this  Australia, USA or UK – are not merely to do with an imbalance of available males and females in the various age groups, as Bernard  Salt suggests in his article re ‘the male drought’, The Australian.

Unfortunately the challenges a large and ever increasing number of women – and men! – face when it comes to finding and keeping love are much more complex and a real cause for concern.

As a human relations consultant and ‘matchmaker’ since 1976, www.yvonneallen.com.au I have been in an unusual position to witness the almost seismic shift that has taken place in terms of the expectations held when it comes to a potential partner and a relationship.  It would seem that over recent decades the concept of commitment has lost currency.

Countless women in the western world lament that they are tired of meeting guys who are not interested in anything serious and want sex without strings attached.  Yet, given the high incidence of divorce these days – and the fact that it is usually the woman who call it quits -the odds that a marriage or de facto relationship will last the distance would make any punting man think twice before risking his pocket…and his heart.

A blurring of gender differences, focus on career at the expense of a personal life, unrealistic ‘wish lists’ when it comes to a partner and a relationship, an emphasis on independence rather than interdependence number amongst trends that have helped women to achieve success but unhappily single.  Stats that are relevant and of serious concern are recent census projections that suggest by 2026 over 31% of households in Australia will have sole occupancy.  If this be the case, problems associated with loneliness and social isolation loom large on the horizon.’

………………….

What changes could you make in your life to help you to attract and keep the love you seek?

It is quite common after we have introduced a couple, for one – or both! – to provide feedback after a first meeting that they would like to see the other again…but don’t think the feeling to be mutual.  Alas all too often such doubts have nothing to do with the perceptions of their date – who may well be feeling uncertain themselves for similar reasons!

Recently ‘Sue’, an attractive, delightful client had a date with ‘Ian’, an interesting, successful and intelligent man she had agreed to meet..  Both had read each other’s profile and both were looking forward to the date they had arranged to share time and conversation over drinks at a pleasant hotel that Saturday afternoon.

As they talked, Ian learned that Sue had come from a well known family background in terms of wealth and business success.  CEO of a family company, she’s  led a very busy life…  especially as for the last 10 years she has also had the sole responsibility of raising three children who are now young adults.  Ian’s success on the other hand was self made.  He told Sue had that he had worked to support himself through his university studies before building from scratch his highly respected business.  He, too, has children now grown and Sue heard real sadness in his voice as he mentioned that his marriage of more than 30 years had unexpectedly ended in divorce two years beforehand.

Sue’s feedback to us after meeting Ian suggested that while she had really enjoyed his company and would like to see him again, she did not think that she would be interesting enough to appeal to him as he had made so much of his life. Some examples she gave were that he had travelled far more extensively and knew much more about art and theatre.  Although she’d had access to wealth and privilege, she thought her life seemed dull by comparison.

Ian’s feedback on the other hand revealed his own vulnerabilities.  Though he found Sue lovely and attractive and would be happy to see her again,he did not think that a woman like her would be interested in a partner of far less wealth – especially one whose assets had recently been halved by a divorce.  More importantly, for a man who had striven so much for success it seems that his long-term marriage suddenly coming to an end has led Ian to perceive that he had failed in what matters most…and that he was not a good candidate for a partnership.

The good news is that we were in an unusual position to intervene and let Sue and Ian that they both wanted to see each other again. It is likely that without our having done so neither would have initiated contact because of their own lack of confidence when it comes to matters of the heart.  Hopefully a real friendship will develop between them…one that may grow into something more!

Is there anyone you would like to contact but think they’re not interested in getting to know you? 

You have little to lose - and maybe friendship and more  to gain - by taking the small risk of saying ‘hello’!

…so why hide our feminine attributes behind a male persona?!  

Recently I was preparing to meet with ‘Jane’, the CEO of a large company,  who had become a client of my consultancy to assist introduce her to men  seeking to share  life with a partner.   I noted that members of my team had found Jane’s phone conversations since her initial interview to be demanding and off-putting  in tone and delivery.  I also found it interesting that Jane had written in some background information about herself that at times she scared people.

When I met with Jane to discuss introducing her to men who were also  seeking a partner to share life, I advised her that I’d never had a man walk  through our doors who said he wanted to meet ‘a scary woman’…nor was I prepared  to be an advocate for one who was.  I also questioned whether she really needed to  have a ‘male-like’ persona that concealed her warm, sensitive female self. If so,
surely it was not surprising that though she had a large number of male friends  who were business colleagues, none were likely to lead to an intimate partnership.

During our time together, Jane thanked me for my direct approach. She had shed tears as she told me of some of the challenges she had overcome to get to the top…and of the perhaps irrational fears she still had of losing this position.  She realised she had taken it for granted that the way to succeed was to follow male role models ‘as if a man’ – and that this had been at the expense of fulfillment in her personal life.  She now realised that like many a woman today, she had overlooked caring for and revealing her female essence in her quest to achieve – to the detriment of her well being and happiness.

As some of my earlier items on this site such as Men are not hairy women have indicated, it is important that we respect and appreciate gender differences in our lives and our relationships.

I believe that there is very little we cannot achieve  as women these days– while also having a fulfilling personal life – if we appreciate, nourish and express our female essence rather than hide who we are behind a male persona.

Sharing life with purpose and meaning is key to feeling fulfilled…and it is not dependent on age!

Some months ago one of my consultants called me because she  wondered whether we could accept an enquirer as a client.  The man she had just spoken to on the phone had  told her that he had met his recently deceased wife through the consultancy in 1977,  the year after I first opened our doors. After several years of caring for his beloved,  he wanted to meet someone who also believed life held more meaning when shared in a loving relationship.

While not unusual to have a past client seek to repartner through us, ‘John’ was exceptional.  Given the energy in his voice, my consultant was taken aback when he informed her that he had met his beloved wife he was in his late 50′s…and was now 93!  She was also  even more surprised when he added that we should email confirmation of an appointment as he was usually too busy to take calls after 9am,   As well as several  teaching and lecturing commitments that at times required interstate and overeas travel he said he was also studying for a PhD.  It was obvious that this man did not confom to stereotypes held re age!

Despite the many years that had passed since we had met I readily recalled John and was delighted to make an appointment to see him.  Back there then his positivity and zest for life had  impressed me greatly…and as a young woman I was surprised that  someone who had not completed high school and was close to retiring age had commenced study for a degree.

I recognised John when I went to reception to greet him.  Though smaller in build than I had recalled and somewhat hard of hearing, he had the same energy and enthusiasm for life and learning as I recalled.  He was excited as he told me about the positive impact his current research could have for many people and of his intention to work for at least another decade.   However, while he had good reason to look forward to each day, he was aware that he sorely missed the support, nourishment and meaning he had experienced sharing life’s journey with a loving partner.

Before leaving my office John gave me a hug and parting words that I’d like to share…

Life is not a dress rehearsal  It is up to us to make the most of every day! 

If you can put yourself in the picture, the insights from the diary entries below it will help you to relax and enjoy your relationship more!

Most likely when the man in your life is being distant it is due to the simple fact that when his mind is really focused  on  something, he is not likely to be aware of much else.  After all, he’s a guy!

There is no doubt that good relationships are the source of much of the nourishment we need to find joy and meaning in life.  Yet many of us these days are so caught up in the ‘busyness’ of life that we take the bonds we have with family and friends for granted.   

For most folk the festive season is one time of year when thoughts do turn to those we hold dear.  However, even then, all too often it seems we focus more on the pressures to do with gift-buying and giving rather than on sharing the wealth that is the caring we have for each other.There is no doubt that having people we care for in our lives is a primary source of our wellbeing. 

As I have mentioned in a number of items on this site, we have a biological need for our ‘feel-good’ hormones to be stimulated by such simple pleasures as touch, holding and being held, sharing time talking knowing we are being heard, being appreciated and appreciating. Yet so many of us are living lives that leave little time for us to really care for others…and, by so doing, care for ourselves. 

Resolve now to take time to give and receive such simple gifts of love and friendship each and every day of 2012…and the rest of your life! 

Recently I was interviewed for an article to appear in the Sun Herald about my views re married women who plan for years to leave their husband once their children’s final exams are over.  Given my experience as a human relations consultant, I am aware that it is indeed common these days for men to be surprised – and grief stricken – when their partner tells them that they want a divorce.  As I indicated to the journalist, I would prefer to prevent problems rather than highlight the outcomes.

Maybe David’s story rings bells for you…?

A successful businessman in his mid 50’s, David contacted our consultancy recently to see if we could assist him to move forward after his long term marriage had come to an end.  At the initial appointment, David told the consultant about feelings of inadequacy and failure that had plagued his life since ‘Sue’, his wife of more than 30 years, had announced ‘out of the blue’ that their marriage was over.  Given that this decision was totally unexpected, David was shocked not only by her words but also by her apparent total lack of interest in seeking help to resolve whatever issues they had and move forward.  Sue informed him that it was ‘too late’ and that she wanted to get on with her life, now that the children were well on their way.  She had done her grieving over years of disappointment and was ready to move on.

Like many other men, David believed he had been a good husband, father and provider. As the result of his efforts his fledgling company had flourished over the years and he had been able to provide his wife and family with a beautiful home on the harbour and an enviable lifestyle. Their children had attended private school and in more recent years they had travelled overseas as a family at least once a year. 

David said he loved Sue and had never strayed. He was astounded to hear that she had resented being a ‘stay at home’ mother, carer and housekeeper – especially as she’d had help in the house and access to their shared bank account for whatever she might need. She told him she was fed up with the fact that his focus on his business and his sporting interests left little time for anything other than family.  She argued that he did not really enjoy her company because they always had vacations as a family rather than as a couple. For years she had felt ‘taken for granted’ – but not let him know!

If you are a woman who is unhappy in a relationship, it is important to realise that your partner is not likely to intuit your needs nor may he be equipped to satisfy some of them…after all, he is a man not a ‘hairy woman’.

Rather than allow disappointment to fester, look to ways to build bridges of understanding about your needs and expectations in your relationship rather than destroy the potential of what you could create together.